Good bye. I haven't posted much recently. But the choice was mine. Now the Blog stream is closing today. I don't think this will be here tomorrow. Goodbye.

I've had a string of stressful events (some ongoing) such as shingles, mammograms with shingles (followed by 3 days of more pain than I ever dreamt possible), biopsy with shingles (ditto) - ultimately negative thank the Lord!), the sudden death of a friend, and an unreal amount of snow and snow/ice storms. And, as any follower of this blog knows, I am an emotional eater (very bad idea with gastroparesis....not a grand idea any time). But It Finally Happened!

Finally, for the first time since I was diagnosed with gastroparesis in May 2008 all of my emotional eating craving were for food I can actually eat without adverse repercussion (or, given volume on some days, not much of one -- excessive volume is also "not a good idea" with gastroparesis). Does this mean that I've finally truly accepted that I have this & its not going away? Or does it mean that my taste preferences have altered over time?

It was still problematic in that I can eat higher fat items than many GP'ers [ice cream dissolves in the tummy) and with the shingles I haven't been able to exercise since exercise makes it hurt worse and it hurt badly all the time anyway. So I gained some weight & my clothes don't fit. But I'm giving up sweets for Lent (hopefully doing it as a spiritual exercise will make it more do-able) and want to start walking as the shingles pain goes away and the weather gets better. I also want to try Marianne Williamnson's A Course In Weightloss & see if that helps.

I'm not going back on the Medifast diet for multiple reasons, which boil down to continuing stress and cost. As I mentioned before, even when my life was relatively stress free we had to tweak the diet for me so it wouldn't gum up the digestive track - and even with the tweaking I had to go off it several times for 2+ weeks at a time when it sent me into a flare anyway. Life remains stressful. It seems dumb to add a diet that involves LOTS of fibers to a digestive motility condition that is exacerbated by stress. My other concern is the cost of the program. My grocery bills (including Medifast food) were nearly $600 a month for the entire time. Additionally, since I had to go off it several times, I also had the deprivation accustomization period that involved light-headedness and judgment impairment several times. In two of those times I had fender benders in parking lots & had to have body work done on the car and ultimately lost my insurance & my new insurance costly significantly more a year. I can't afford to go back on that diet, health-wise or monetarily. I'll just have to do it the slower, old fashioned way (minus vegetables). Maybe now that I'm not craving impossible things, it means I can make life adjustments that will work. With God's help.

I went to a pot luck type dinner with my friends over the weekend. I brought a carrot souffle that I'd had at a catered dinner (by the San Gabriel House B & B in Georgetown TX) over the holidays. It turned out to be pretty easy to make (even though I don't have a food processor or a regular blender & made the relevant part in batches in my Magic Bullet) and my non-gp friends liked it too. And its safe for those of us with gastroparesis. Here's the recipe:

SAN GABRIEL HOUSE CARROT SOUFFLE

Ingredients for souffle:

1 ib. carrots, boiled and (very) tender
3 eggs
1 stick butter (melted)
1/2 c. white sugar
3 T. flour
1 t baking soda
1 t. vanilla
Dash of cinnamon
Dash of nutmeg

Mix carrots and eggs in a food processor or blender until smooth. Be sure the carrots are thoroughly cooked til soft then add the eggs while processing the carrots so it all mixes well.

In a separate bowl, mix melted butter, sugar, flour, baking soda, vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg until well blended, then add carrot and egg mixture. Mix until smooth.

Pour into greased 8 x 8 in. casserole dish (13 x 9 in if you double the recipe)

At this point you can either: refrigerate, freeze, or add the topping and bake immediately.

Ingredients for Topping:

1/4 cornflake crumbs (or 1/4 c. Frosted Flakes & leave out the sugar)
2 T. white sugar
2 T. butter (melted)
Sprinkle of cinnamon

Mix together. Scatter over top of souffle.

Bake souffle uncovered in 350 degree oven for 1 hour.

So it's been seven months since Carl died. I've regained all the weight I lost before that, plus a little, even though I've spent a good portion of the time on soup. Soup and candy...the diet of the grief-stricken GP'er. Not a good diet, but.... well, I thought it made me feel better. It didn't really.

Christmas was an emotional minefield for several reasons. Work has been stressful. GP somewhat compromises one's immune system (even though I take all those supplements daily). In mid-January I got shingles. Holy Hell, that hurts! The doctor put me on Acyclovir (because I could crush the pills & could not do that with Valtrex) and Gabapentin and Advil Liqui-caps. The eruptions stopped and scabbed over a week or so ago, but the pain continues. I continue with Gabapentin & the Advil, but think I'll have to drop the Advil [an NSAID] soon because I'm getting killer GERD and other stomach problems like lots of bloating & that pain, these last few days.

Last week I was on vacation in SC with my honey - yeah I hurt, but I'd still have hurt if I stayed in NY, may as well go & enjoy to the extent I could and it was pretty good. If I'm not going to stop living because I have GP, I'm not going to stop living for shingles PHN either. I like SC. I can eat there...seafood/fish, grits, over-cooked greens/vegetables, banana pudding...really works for my sort of GP! ;)

Now I'm back at work. Still hurt. Still winter. Still here. Realizing I really need to work on the work-life balance, listening to one's body , expressing creativity thing. Planning on taking up drawing daily (I took some short courses in the fall - DRawing For The Absolutely Terrified - lol!) -- I'm beginning to realize it doesn't have to be good at the beginning, it only needs to be for me. (Thinking I had to be good really froze my ability to start. Hazards of a reforming Type-A personality.) I'll check back in sometime & update this thing.

There are much worse things than having gastroparesis. Twenty-five days after my last post (or three months ago) my younger (extremely healthy) brother was killed, died as a result of injuries sustained in a lightning strike. He was survived by a wife and two daughters, parents, me and two other brothers, numerous nieces and nephews and cousins and friends. He was honored by his community because he did so much good for it in life. He was a good man who absolutely lived his principles. It has been truly awful. I am in grief counseling to learn to mourn my brother in a healthy way and hopefully grow through the experience. If I have to have the experience at least I should grow to become a better person through it to honor him.

How does grief affect gastroparesis? Actually I haven't been as bad as one might expect outside of one trip to the emergency room, a really bad few days, and some kinda dicey weeks. I immediately went off the tweaked medifast diet I'd been on -- I'd had had to go off it three other times already as it caused pain problems for a week or more each time, but I'd lost thirty pounds & kept it off even when I had to go off before. Stress makes GP worse, this is no time to be on a diet that involves fiber. I've regained 15 pounds. Sigh. (too much candy, whether or not it hurts...trying to do better as I have progress through the grief. I always was an emotional eater. You can't do that with GP without repercussions but my brain isn't thinking right these days and sadness makes me want chocolate.) Anyway, I've did have the sense to drop to a mainly soup type diet initially, and again after the emergency room visit, only one more solid meal a day, and this has worked. I still do all my supplements, of course. I think I'll keep this up for awhile. I'm not sure when I'll start trying to add back in other foods.